The romantic relationships we enter, having barely finished the previous ones, can really help us break free from the endless cycle of good and bad memories. However, such a hasty switch is not always useful, moreover, it can cause serious injury.
1. You consider your partner only as a temporary option
Even if you are trying to convince them and yourself of the opposite, deep down you understand that this is not the person with whom you are ready to connect lives. “There is nothing reprehensible in relationships that won’t last long, they are also part of our experience,” says Preston Ni, a psychologist, and coach, a specialist in interpersonal communications. “At the same time, it is worth remembering that a new partner can use your unstable psychological state and force you to do something that you are not ready for (start living together, go on a trip or consolidate your budget). In case of your refusal – punish with coldness and detachment. On the other hand, you also risk injuring a person if they treat you sincerely and they really care for you.”
2. You are attracted by the care and the attention that you receive
We are looking for someone who will surround us with love, give warmth. The accompanying positive emotions help to cope with pain and regain self-confidence. Try to be honest with yourself: is this person really dear to you and you, in turn, are also ready to give? Or are you just using them as an emotional donor?
3. You only call your partner when you are lonely
In this case, we need a temporary comforter rather than a person who we are ready to accept into our lives.” The infantile features of the offended child are blooming in us,” says Preston Nee. We call a partner as our parent and advocate only in those moments when we feel bad and hurt. When we feel more confident, we do not feel a strong need for their presence.”
4. You want your ex-partner to learn about a new relationship
One of the most obvious pieces of evidence that you are emotionally still living in the past is a persistent desire for the ex to know: you are no longer alone. Many openly post the details of their new personal life on social networks or tell their common friends about it, with the expectation that the message will be delivered to the addressee. Here, not only the desire to cause jealousy may be hidden but also the strong need not to interrupt communication. It is important for us that a person who was close to us and whom we still do not let go of remains a symbolic observer of our life. This complicates mutual understanding with the new partner and affects their trust in us.
5. You project the traits of an ex-partner onto a new one
Consciously or unconsciously, we begin to search in a new person for something that we liked so much… until recently. It can be a body type, hair or eye color, interests, and lifestyle, in a word, everything that can remind us of past love. However, attempts to reconstruct past relationships are always doomed to failure. This does not bring us closer to a new partner, but only prolongs our experiences.
6. You think of your ex-partner when you are communicating with a new one
“The main problem with relationships that are built almost on the rubble of the past is that we did not have time to reflect on our past, to realize what happened, and to truly let go of a person,” Preston Ni says. “In this case, the constant return of thoughts to an ex-partner, even at those moments when we would seem to be happy with another person, is quite understandable.” However, it is impossible to build a new relationship without doing this important internal work.
7. You are not ready to include a new partner in the circle of people close to you.
Introducing a new partner to your family and friends is an important part of their integration into your life. Often we avoid this because deep down we realize that these relationships are only “substitution therapy” and probably will not last long. We rather perceive them in the category of “you and me” rather than “we.”